After Verdun : Breakfast in Paris

 

By S.W. Martin

That February day in the cold mud of Verdun seems like a dream now.

Sometimes I will slip backward along the river of time, as the currents seem to travel in every direction.  I am at a Paris cafè, the sun is shining , it's warmth on my face and laughter of the young men and women filling air. Life is idyllic, and one would hardly think that war had ever ravaged and broken the land and the people.
I will close my eyes for a moment, and the smell of bread and coffee turns to Gunpowder and filth. The laughter replaced by the screams of dying soldiers as they beg for mercy from a god who does not hear them.  I see Jean-Pierre running ahead of me, leading me as he always had since we were boys. I see the German, and I see the old Darkness.
Then the river carries me back to the Here and Now, and I gather myself and try not to go mad.  I realize my fists are clenched so tightly that I have drawn blood from my palms.  The hotel concierge approaches me and asks me if everything is alright.
I do not answer, and  I want to walk away. No... run away, trying to escape a moment in space and time that my soul is eternally bound to. Hell is not always a place you go, sometimes it is a place you were, and you can never leave it.
I don't even know if I believe in God anymore, but I know the Devil is real. I have seen his handiwork in the trenches of Verdun nearly 4 years ago.

My heart feels as though it is in a vise, I can hardly catch my breath. I stumble down the hotel steps and into the path of a group of young women, the girl in front is a pretty petite brunette with freckles and blue eyes.
She giggles a little and says " Are you alright, Monsieur?"
" Yes,...Yes I will be fine. Perhaps my breakfast has not settled well with me."

"Oh my, that is quite unfortunate!  I have not seen you here before. Did you just arrive here?"

"Paris is a vast city, Madame. We could spend a lifetime here and never meet. Even if we traveled the same city streets over and over we could overlook each other many times. "

This is a lie. I could never overlook a woman such as this. 

" That is true, Monsieur, but I am glad that was not the case. My name is Élise, it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. And it is 'mademoiselle", actually. "

Her smile is warm and sweet. She holds out her hand. I should take it, and try to remember how to be civil, not some broken animal in a human costume.

I hesitate for a moment, and I see her smile start to fade slightly. But I take her hand and introduce myself. I mimic a smile like the other young men.
"I am François. The pleasure is all mine...
Mademoiselle. "
Her friends are smiling at me. Two of them are whispering to each other and giggling. 
I do not understand young women. 
This game that we play with each another.
Jeune amour,  what a ridiculous concept.
But I will play the game for now.

"What is your business here in Paris, François? You most certainly are not from the city. "
"Is it that obvious? No I am not from Paris. I am from Cordes in Tarn. I have been here in the city for only a few weeks, I just returned from Brussels."

"Oh! Belgium! What business did you have there?"
Why does she care so much about my business, I wonder to myself. I detest small talk and conversation. I have rarely said anything worthwhile during such nonsense.

"I was working as an assistant to the editor of La Libre Belgique."

Her eyes light up.
"A writer! A journalist. How intriguing!"

"Not a journalist really. More or less an apprentice. "

"Well, I think it is quite exciting!
My friends and I are going to Café de Florè later today , would you care to join us?"

I feel a sense of dread filling my core. Why am I like this? Why do I fear the possibility of joy?

" I have some errands that are pressing currently. Perhaps we could meet later?"

She looks, for a moment, disappointed. But her smile returns.

"Certainly,  François. Meet me there at the cafè at...say, half past 1?"

" I look forward to it, Mademoiselle Élise. "

Her smile is so beautiful.  I could wake up every morning for the rest of my life and gaze upon it.
It will be the last time i ever see it.
I have no intention of meeting her this afternoon. By half past 1, I will be on a train from Paris to Cordes . I have a promise to keep that I have neglected for over 4 years.
I will fullfill this promise .
Élise and her friends continue on and she turns to me and calls out
"Au revoir, François! Until we meet again!"

"Au revoir, Mademoiselle Élise. Yes...until we meet again."
I try to capture her face and her smile, like a photograph inside my heart. I will carry it with me. Surely I can hold on to something as beautiful and sweet as her face for the rest of my days. If I can carry the weight of Verdun with me until I am cold in the ground, surely her smile could stay with my spirit and keep it company.

There are times I envy the dead. My comrades who gave up their life-blood on the fields of battle. 
They have their rest.
I do not know what comes after this life.
Perhaps there is a Kingdom Come, and the good souls of this world go there. I will not see it, for I was damned the moment my boots touched the mud and the blood and shit on Verdun. But maybe my dear friend Jean-Pierre is there.
Or perhaps, there is nothing after this. Perhaps there is nothing but the cold black earth, and the worms.
But I know this, those who have gone before me, and know the answers,  have a peace of mind that I envy. Men like me walk this wretched earth on stolen time,
and we despise every moment of it.

I do not bother returning to the hotel for my things. I make my way to the train station and will leave on the One o' clock. 
I have had enough of Paris, and wine,  and beautiful girls, and joy that I can never truly obtain. 
I think about how disappointed Élise will be. I try to comfort myself with the notion that she will never give me a second thought and she will find another young man to give her heart to.
What could have truly ever come of coffee and conversation anyway?
Onward to Cordes.
I have a letter to deliver .
And after that, perhaps peace of mind...